Monday, March 8, 2010

Dividing Line

My brother has this theory that all women are bi-polar. Naturally, in most cases I completely disagree with him. Obviously there are the few women that are literally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder but I think that his blanket statement is pretty much ludicrous.

Although, in my own strange way, I'm feeling so completely divided lately that it's almost bi-polar to a certain degree. It's almost as if you could draw a line down the center of my mind and body and have two completely opposite feelings and opinions. Half of me is relaxed and feeling so prepared for the wedding and the other half is scared out of my mind and completely overwhelmed by the details. I go from day to day on this as sometimes I am able to see the big picture and other times I just end up feeling totally bogged down.

I have so many goals and reasons for wanting to work out and eat healthy but then my devil half craves only pizza and fried buffalo flavored things. I like to believe that part of my lack of motivation is coming from the fact that the top of my left foot has been in bit of nagging pain for awhile and my shin/ankle discomfort from my fall down the stairs has only exacerbated that. I know I need to take it easy (especially in those barefoot dance classes where I believe the pain originates from).

I want to leave the city and some moments I cannot imagine one more day of it but I also want to stay in this place forever. Some days I love being in our little place and other days I feel so suffocated by it's size (or lack there of). I have moments where I cannot imagine someday having to drive everywhere and times when I would give my left arm to no longer have to ride the buses and trains. Why can't I just pick a side and figure some of this stuff out?

One the one hand, I am completely ok with the way that everything just is right now. On the other, I am freaking out about the future and what changes might be coming my way, whether they are under my control or not. There are so many things coming my way, big life-changing things, the least of which involves changing my last name, that I am not looking forward to having to face.

I guess I have never really been an indecisive person so the fact that I am swaying or wavering between feeling one way or the other about several different big life things is sort of stressful. And it's all stress I am essentially bringing on myself for no apparent reason!

In the book I'm currently reading (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver), the author argues that springtime makes people crazy. When I was reading it on the plane last weekend, I identified with what she was saying immediately. I am filled with so much promise and hope when I think of the upcoming warmer weather but yet deep down I know that I will tire of being too hot when the time comes.

Part of life is dealing with changes no matter how big or small they are and maybe the changing of the seasons is Mother Earth's way of constantly keeping us on our toes and prepared for the other things that life will bring us. The seasons always remind me that like all things, this too shall pass, and for me, the this that needs to pass is the way I am feeling divided.

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